I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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