I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
