I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
