I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
