I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
