so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
