Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
