is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
