dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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