Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
