Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
