Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We smell like vodka and hangover
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