I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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