you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
