I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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