It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
