the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
