My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize