there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
