No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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