my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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