decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I FOUND THE LEGS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
