I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
