Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
