mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
