sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
