I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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