I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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