I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
