It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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