Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
