Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
not ubering you a puppy
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
