fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
