dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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