I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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