Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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