I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
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