wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
