I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
