found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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