you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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