I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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