i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
