mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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