the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
