dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
