Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And then the night went full on bisexual.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
