Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
