I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
