I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
